What I've Done
by Awahili
Summary: 1st POV Doctor-centric fic.  Chap 1: All he could think about as he said goodbye to her was how miserable she was because of him. Chap 2: He never thought he could return, but now that he was here there was no harm in checking in on them.  Inspired Series
1. Chapter 1

This is completely Doctor-centric. Based on the song _Look at What I've Done_ by Chris Cagle. This will be a two-shot, so look for the follow-up chapter soon-ish. For more info on my "Inspired Series" please see my bio.

* * *

><p>I had always known this moment was coming. It was inevitable, really. They all leave in the end. But her…my hearts ached at the thought of losing her. And not once in my darkest dreams did I ever picture it like this…standing alone in the TARDIS, projecting my image across dimensions to say goodbye.<p>

She's talking about her mum now but all I can think about is her. My Rose. I'd give anything to be able to reach out and hold her, but I'm nothing – just an image on a desolate beach. And her eyes…she tries to put on a brave front, but those eyes give her away. She's not going to be alright. Time seems to move faster on her end; it's been almost six months for her, and only two weeks for me. Two agonizing weeks pouring over every calculation, every whisper, every corner of the universe in search of a way to bring her home. But in the end, this is the best I could do for her.

She's hurting, and my hearts break at the sight of tears welling in her eyes. I try to tell myself that she'll be okay, that she has her family to look after her. But I could already see the toll this was taking on her, and I curse silently that I can't be there by her side. Tears pour down her face as she finally breaks, and my arms ache to hold her even as my mind rails against me.

_You did this_.

Time seems to slow as my memory relives every enticement, every selfish endeavor I had made to keep her with me. From the moment I'd met her I knew she was special; she had been bright and inquisitive and loyal despite my rather acerbic nature. I was broken and hollow, and I latched onto her like a lifeline. I knew she was falling for me; I'd seen the signs too many times before not to recognize them immediately. But I couldn't do that to her. She deserved better than me, so I kept my distance. Then I regenerated, and all those self-imposed rules seemed to fly out the window. I had her heart and she had mine, though neither of us spoke the words aloud.

Now, standing on this beach, I have to hand her broken heart back to her. Mine feels like they're imploding in my chest, but it's a pain I have become accustomed to. Rose – my sweet, beautiful, innocent Rose – is experiencing her first true heartbreak. And it's all my fault. I should have left her at the Powell Estate, safe and happy and free of me.

"I love you."

_Oh Rose_…she would have to utter those words now, make an impossible thing so much more difficult. But I can't begrudge her; it's so very human that I actually crack a smile. I could do this for her. I could tell her, finally, that she took a man formed from blood and rage and fire and made him better. She'd made life worth living again, and I love her dearly for it. She deserves no less from me for the pain I'm causing.

"And I suppose, if it's my last chance to say it…Rose Tyler –"


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the follow-up chapter. I'm not completely happy with this chapter, but I've edited the heck out of it several times. And don't worry, I'm almost finished with the next chapter of _Upon the Slate_, so expect that sometime soon.

Oh and spoilers-ish perhaps for the end of season 6?

* * *

><p><em>Impossible. Adjective. Unable to happen, incapable of being true. Exception: The Doctor.<em>

I stood silently to the side, trying to keep to the shadows and out of sight. I shouldn't be here, and not in the "oh, it's really a bad idea" sense of the phrase. It really shouldn't be possible. But here I am once again, good old London with the added bonus of zeppelin air travel.

My farewell tour, I called it. I hadn't known how right I was. Though, I guess if I am supposed to die, this could be some sort of absolution or closure or whatever inane humanism Pond would no doubt be spouting right now. I shook my head and shoved all thoughts of that fiery red-head from my mind; this moment was reserved for _her_ alone.

She had aged well, I noted. Laugh lines were beginning the crinkle the corners of her eyes, though she still had that young, adventurous air about her that had initially drawn me to her. My hearts ached at the memory of her goodbye - both of them - and how hardened it had made me. Never again had I ever allowed anyone that close, though a few had managed decent tries. Even Astrid, with her youthful excitement and fair-haired beauty, had paled in comparison to the mere memory of Rose Tyler. Her face would forever be etched into my soul.

Still, I thought, all things considered she seemed to have settled in quite well. Memories of heartbreaking goodbyes filled my mind, and I allowed myself a small smile at the sight of her now happy and successful.

Movement from the doorway caught my eye, and I turned ever so slightly to watch the man who'd just entered the room. His eyes roamed the crowd, and I knew the moment he found her. I could recall well the feelings he was experiencing now; happiness, excitement, contentedness. I used to get them, too, every time I saw her. He strode across the room on legs I could still remember, and when his hand slipped into hers mine clenched involuntarily. She turned and grinned at him, and my hearts stopped in my chest. I had once lived for that smile, and now it seemed he did as well. Excusing herself from the conversation she'd been having, she turned toward him and pulled him closer. My own lips tingled as she kissed him sweetly, and I had to lean back against the wall for fear of collapsing.

She didn't need me anymore. It had been a pipe dream, an impossible wish, to believe that she would want to see me again. She had him, her family, a wonderful life...she didn't need a raggedy old Doctor. I watched as he broke the kiss and smiled down at her, pulling her into his arms as they swayed to the music filling the room.

As I watched them, however, the most curious thing happened. I smiled. Not the flat, self-deprecating smile that I had expected. I was happy, at peace in the knowledge that I had done this. Here she was, living this life, because of me. I had no illusions that it had been easy for her - or for him - but they'd made it. I allowed myself a brief idle thought of what might have been, but I dismissed it quickly. It wasn't fair to her…or to me. But still, I thought, we might have been fantastic.

They had waltzed across the room, lost in their own world, and I held my breath as they stopped quite close to me. He whispered something in her ear, kissed her hand, and left her side. She smiled as she watched him walk across the room to the refreshment table, no doubt lost in blissful thoughts. Before I could stop myself, my legs were carrying me toward her. She glanced at me, then back over the crowd. Her double take would have been comical if I could concentrate on anything but not sounding completely stupid.

"Hello," I started weakly, offering a small wave before adjusting my blue bow tie nervously. Her face lit up in surprise, then a smile split her face that warmed my hearts. Her arms were around me at once, but it wasn't like before. She held herself back, squeezing me once in a friendly way before letting go.

"I can't believe...how are you here?" I just shrugged, not really knowing myself. She laughed at the gesture and looked over her shoulder briefly before returning those shining eyes back to me. "It's good to see you again. How have…how have you been?" It was like she was asking an old classmate, not someone who had once been everything to her.

"Good." I nodded lamely, wondering how our wonderful forever had come to this. "I should…I should go. Not really supposed to be here."

"Yeah…" it was her turn to nod dumbly. "Good to see you." I didn't even bother telling her she'd already said that; the awkwardness wasn't lost on either of us. I moved forward for one more hug, this one even more rushed than the first. My arms didn't fit around her the way they used to, and I frowned when she stepped back. With one last wave she turned and walked away. I watched her go back to him and even though my mind screamed at me to leave, I stayed glued to that spot. When he followed her pointing finger, our eyes met and I lifted my hand in another wave.

It should probably have been a little weird being stared down by my former face, but all I could concentrate on was the way he held her against him possessively. Finally I nodded at him, a silent plea to take care of her. His return nod promised nothing less. She had been engaged in conversation by some important woman in fancy dress – and so missed the entire exchange – but as I turned to leave I caught her gaze once more. She tucked herself tighter into his side, and the thank you in her eyes brought tears to my own.

_You're welcome, Rose Tyler. Be fantastic._

* * *

><p>So, this was my first attempt at writing Eleven. I'm still not at all comfortable with him, but I thought I'd take him out for a test drive. Let me know what you think.<p> 


End file.
